I feel like I'm in dance class right now
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Randomize
