Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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