Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
this just has baby written all over it
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
