herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I can feel your judgement through the phone
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
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