Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
i am watching brooke knows best right now and hulk is totally dating his daughter's look a like. it is gross and disturbing.
the most pressuring question is, why are you watching brooke knows best?.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
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And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
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The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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