He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Randomize
