I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
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