Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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