Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
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