I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
My dick has a subreddit
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
