just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
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