I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Randomize
