Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
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