Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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