I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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