John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
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