If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Randomize
