My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize