I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
Randomize
