i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
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