sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
