just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
Randomize
