If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
