Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
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