I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
You're like the curious george of whores
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
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