Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
