It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Randomize
