I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Randomize
