Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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