i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
