I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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