I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
