don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I checked into jail on foursquare
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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