I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
