Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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