Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize
