He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
