cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
