so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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