I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
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