i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize
