those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
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