so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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