first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
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