K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Randomize
