pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
