We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Randomize
