she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
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