A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
