she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
