you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
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