I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
