life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.