You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
